literally had 100 drinks last night.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize