Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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