she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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