dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
