3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
