Jerry, you need to find god
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
