she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
