..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
