Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
