That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
