drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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