My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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