he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize