I heard we made out
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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