she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
