i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
