I need to stop coming to work sober
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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