All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
