i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
