my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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