i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
