I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
