Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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