somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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