I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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