i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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