She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
