i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
