The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
