That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
