The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
