ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
