her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
