Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
