please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize