what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
