weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
