I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dick very happy bro
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
