why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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