Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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