He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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