my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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