genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize