hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
