the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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