see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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