I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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