Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize