Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize