Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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