I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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