I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
