when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
love makes seman taste better
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You've changed since you got that strap on
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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