I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
