Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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