When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize