booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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