she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize