you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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