Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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