all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
