According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
